This week's Olevillain Headlines...

I'm a Lazy Asshole By: The Cafeteria Water Dispenser

 

I'm writing this editorial to clear up once and for all any ambiguity about my performance as of late. I've heard a lot of rumbling and grumbling, mostly to the effect of, "Why is this thing going so slow?" or "What is the matter with this?" The answer is pretty simple: I hate every single one of you, and I'm here to make your life as miserable as it's in my power to make it.

Every morning, I wake up with a pretty good attitude, all things considered. I'm ready to do my part, fill your proverbial and literal glasses, and welcome you all to another day of nutrition, education, and enrichment.

By 11 am, though, something snaps. Maybe it's watching you cocky caf workers stack cups like you're getting extra points for speed and agility ten feet away from me with your incessant clanging and laughter. Or, maybe it's the fact that from my perch, I have to watch the same mind-bogglingly inane dessert signs get put out day after day (Why, WHY do you list 3 of the offered desserts and then just give up and write, "And Asssorted Desserts"? Doesn't that theoretically account for everything? Maybe I really want to know what that mystery chocolate thing is!) Whatever it is, I just hit a point in my mid-morning where I decide I just don't feel like it anymore.

That's when the fun begins. You all pile in to the caf like you're in an enormous hurry, race to get your food, and get in the beverage line like it's the last few miles in your marathon to freedom. You approach me with two cups, press my lever nonchalantly, and start chatting to your neighbor. And I? I start concentrating as hard as I can to piss out the smallest possible stream of water I am capable of delivering.

Now, for some of you more patient, laid back readers, you may think this is a pretty silly strategy, because you're one of those unaffected people with that silly, Pollyanna "I Shit Sunshine" smile on your face and you're the one who kindly waits while the oblivious caf worker rolls over your toes with the 10-minutes-too-late cart of silverware. So, to you, I will admit the slight defeat that maybe my lazy asshole behavior doesn't completely ruin your day.

But for everyone else, good god, thanks for making it rewarding. Nothing brightens my little day like listening to you bitch and moan about how slow the water drips out, and I actually wet my pants a little when I watch you glaring at the person in front of you as if my complete refusal to cooperate is somehow a problem with their operation. Wait till it's your turn, you little shit, because I'm going to go even slower for you, and if I can manage it, I'm going to speed up just slightly for the person after you just to show you what you're missing out on.

Here's a tip: next time, fill up a cup of ice and microwave it, because even that will take less time than getting 8 ounces out of my tight little water rectum. And, if you really want to make my day, leave a caf card for Bon Apetit complaining about me. The odds of them spending the money to relocate the water pipes in a more efficient place are about as bad as the odds that I'll start trying to make your life easier, but hey: it's nice to get the publicity anyways.

I've probably gone on long enough, but see you tomorrow. I'll be the asshole pissing like I've got a urethra the size of a pin. Enjoy!