This week's Olevillain Headlines...
George Bush thanks Mary Cisar for her Continued Loyalty to the New Registration System
This Tuesday, when many students continued to balk after getting “royally ass-raped” by the online registration system, Mary Cisar “Salad” was enjoying a heart-felt phone interview with current president George W. Bush.
“I couldn't believe it when my receptionist told me who was on line one! I could barely squeak out a hello,” said Cisar sheepishly. “He sounded so sincerely appreciative, though, that I couldn't help but warm up to him right away.”
Nearby student worker Alan Durgason was able to hear via speaker phone that the president considers Mary Cisar an example of the very loyalty and steadfastness he has tried so hard to promote to the rest of the country.
“He kept going on and on about how the rest of the nation would do well to look to Mary as an example of standing by a system she believes in even when all evidence would suggest it has failed, upset those it affects to horrible degrees, or ruined student's hopes for a good spring semester...or something like that,” Durgason reports.
Bush, who has recently warned the nation that Iran is still a threat in spite of unanimous opinions that they are not in the process of constructing nuclear weaponry, issued a statement to St. Olaf administrators immediately following his phone interview with Cisar. His statement, faxed at aproximately 9:45 am, said the following:
My deer St. Olaf Administration,
Please allow me to be the first to commend you on your choice in Mary Cisar as a leader for your student body's academic future. She has all the skills that could be necessary in such a job: she goes with her gut instead of wasting precious time focusing on too many details, she is willing to sacrifice the happiness of a majority in the search for a better system that may already exist elsewhere, and she is able to turn a compassionate deaf ear on the complaints that could, if listened to, become very distracting and disheartening to her in her day-to-day performance. Thank you for hiring a woman who will set such an example. If only the rest of the nation would see things from Mary's and my perspective. We'd still be in Iraq and your students would still be getting bumfucked by an algorithm, but our reputation as strong leaders would shine on amidst the accompanying rays of freedom, truth, liberty, non-captivity, uncagedness, and integrity upon which our nation is built.
Thank you very much,
George W. Bush
Durgason notes that the registrar's office was all abuzz after the receipt of this fax, but eventually stopped celebrating long enough to handle the line of students requesting drops and adds.
“I guess I can see where Bush is coming from,” Alan stated with a shrug. “But goddamnit, I waited every semester trying to get into ballroom, and...well. Good for her, I guess. Good for her.”
***If you or someone you love was inconvenienced, outraged, disappointed, or otherwise confounded by the illogical and unjust registration methods that persist in robbing upperclass privelege and turning registration into a crapshoot, please feel free to voice your concerns to olevillains@gmail.com. We will dedicate as much room as needed to allow a space for this dialogue.***
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