This week's Olevillain Headlines...

St. Olaf Genie Unable to Grant Wish, Appeals to Parking Office

By Streusel Dumsky

 

A junior resident of Thorson was disappointed on Wednesday by what he describes as “an enormous supernatural letdown.”

Thomas Rusterbuck ('09) thought he had stumbled upon the opportunity of a lifetime when he discovered a dusty bronze artifact resembling a gravy boat. He reports that he knew immediately what it was and thought he knew what to expect from it.

“I thought to myself, 'Thomas, this is it! You just found a freaking genie in lamp! Goddamn rub the shit out of it!'”

Witnesses confirm that upon rubbing the side of the lamp, which was discovered behind a couch in Thorson lounge, a mysterious wisp of smoke began pouring out the tip of the lamp, gently at first and then billowing into an impressive cloud of aproximately 9 feet tall.

“I was working at the front desk, and I heard this weird middle-eastern music coming from the lounge. I popped my head in to see what was going on, and saw this enormous purply-blue cloud that seemed to be taking the shape of a man,” reports Julia Mishton, '08. “Then I went back to the desk to keep working on my Norwegian homework,” she added.

When the sentient being spoke to Thomas, he allegedly promised him one wish, which could be granted at any time. He warned, however, that many in the past required months and even years to decide on an appropriate wish, and that choosing wisely was the responsibility of those who found the lamp.

“I knew exactly what I wanted, though, so I didn't want to waste any time. I thought about the thing I needed the most, and the thing that would make me the most happy while having the least potential to mess things up on a cosmic or global scale, and asked for it,” Thomas said.

His wish for a Thorson lot parking permit for the remainder of the semester, however, was less straight-forward than he had hoped.

“I understand where the kid is coming from,” the Genie, named Acabadabascarazard, commented later. “He volunteers 15 hours a week in town, he runs a lot of errands, and he goes home almost every weekend to hang out with his brother. Of course it would make his life less stressful to have a parking permit that doesn't require him to walk so far.”

Regretfully, however, Acabadabascarazard says “there is a limit to what magical beings can do. You just do NOT go against Donna Hunter, I don't care who you are.”

Thomas, at first threatening a law suit against the Genie, has decided to first pursue an appeal through the official channels laid out by the St. Olaf Parking Office.

“My friend gets out of tickets all the time,” Thomas says. “Maybe having a Genie will count for something.”

When asked to comment on Thomas's wish, Donna Hunter replied, “There is no way that will ever happen. Tell him to wish for World Peace or something realistic.”