OleVillains
St. Olaf College, Northfield MN
This week's Olevillain Headlines...Why Haven't You Called? By: THe Sarn HotlineI didn't want to have to write this. I never wanted to be needy, or clingy, or whiny. But it's been weeks since I've heard from you, and I'm tired of waiting you out to see when you were going to stop playing hard to get and pick up the phone. So, here I am, putting my cards on the table, and asking: why the hell haven't you called me lately? Read more...George Bush thanks Mary Cisar for her Continued Loyalty to the New Registration SystemStatement from George W. Bush reads "Please allow me to be the first to commend you on your choice in Mary Cisar as a leader for your student body's academic future. She has all the skills that could be necessary in such a job: she goes with her gut instead of wasting precious time focusing on too many details, she is willing to sacrifice the happiness of a majority in the search for a better system..." Read more...How to Survive Christmas FestAn insightful look at Norwegian Sweaters, disgusting food, and The Crazies. Hopefully you survived enough this year to read it. Read more...Bell System Eliminated For Being “Too Much Like High School.” Next Week Cafeteria and Dry Policy to be Eliminated as Well“We are SO not like High School,” one anonymous dean commented. “Like, oh my god. If people are really saying that about us, I totally want to get rid of the bells.” Read more...Nobel Prize Winning Research Team Nails Slam Dunk on CancerAlthough Scientists are currently peer reviewing these results for posterity, there is little doubt as to the blinding significance of this breakthrough. "It's an honor just to be selected for review," said one anonymous contributor, "days like this are why I'm glad I became an Pomeranianologist." Read more...Genie Unable To Grant Wish, Appeals to Parking Office“I knew exactly what I wanted, though, so I didn't want to waste any time. I thought about the thing I needed the most, and the thing that would make me the most happy while having the least potential to mess things up on a cosmic or global scale, and asked for it,” Thomas said. Read more...Survey Results Suggest This Year's Halloween Costumes for Women to be Slutty“I don't think it's slutty to go as a nurse in thigh-highs,” Justine Frankson declared. “I mean, duh: I'm going to wear underwear. Besides, I could have chosen worse. One of my friends is actually just going as a hooker. THAT's tacky. A nurse is a professional, respectable woman in society. But going as a hooker...it's really no wonder women are still treated like objects by men!” Read more...Student Letter to the Editor: St. Olaf Continues Tradition of Racially-Charged Homecoming CelebrationsAs a student with traceable Anglo heritage, I was personally incensed at this theme’s representation of my culture. I have news for you, SAC: not all English people go to tea parties, wear pinafores, and are friends with giant hookah-smoking caterpillars. Read more...Area Girl Realizes She “Hardly Knows Her Facebook Friends” Anymore“Their profiles, their statuses; it was as if I had friended hundreds and hundreds of complete strangers.” Read more...Sales up 10% in The Cage Due to Fetching New Cage Supervisor Sharon"There's just no way sales would spike the way they have just because of some improvements in quality and baby steps towards fairer pricing," Bon Apetit spokeswoman Janet Trollup said in an official statement. "The only companies that see this kind of positive flux have done something more dramatic than improving their business practices, like hiring someone with coquettish auburn curls and a pleasant accent, for example." Read more...You Look Pregnant, By: Your Target Shirts Environmental Studies and Women's Studies Departments in Outrage after Professor Calls Mother Nature a "Fickle Whore""Obviously I was disgusted at the obvious sexism and ignorance vocalized by a fellow colleague," Kutulus said. "As a human being, I'm of course apalled at such disrespect being shown towards the environment, but more importantly, as a woman I am horrified at the idea that any woman, even a symbolic one, would be talked about that way by a man." Read more...Jocks, Cool Kids Uncover Unfair Favoritism To Nerdy Student OrgsAllegedly, the school's administration has put an increasing amount of pressure on the Student Org Committee to provide tax breaks, congressional earmarks, and other unfair mechanisms of favoritism in order to bolster the student orgs on campus that could help achieve the desired ranking. Read more...Disciplinary Action Taken Against Fraggle Community after Doozer Construction Site Discovered in Underground Tunnels Viking Chorus and LARPers Battle by Mistake, Audiences Flee in Terror"It was a cool, clear Wednesday afternoon when the Viking chorus emerged from the security of the Christiansen Music building to embark on what was to be a pleasant continuation of the annual campus singing tour tradition." Click Here to read the full story...Hard-nosed Administration Tightens Box-Stuffing PolicyTom Shroer of Buntrock management announces, "One bad apple can spoil the bunch. We decided that if individual students weren’t going to exercise control or responsibility with their own boxes, it could lead to all sorts of nasty things being spread throughout the student body." Read more...Class of 2011 Largest, Hottest in College HistoryLast Thursday, Dean of Enrollment Michael Kyle announced that in addition to being the largest incoming class in St. Olaf's history as a college, the class of 2011 is also the most attractive. Of the 759 first-year students that will arrive September 1, 349 are male, 410 are female, and approximately 632 are more than moderately attractive. Read more...Editorial: Cock-blocked from former "Ice Cream Social"One frustrated senior protests being banned from first year welcoming tradition. Read more...Public Safety Explores "Safe Segway" Program Kildahl Dance Reportedly "Super Awkward""I guess I'm not sure what I expected," Mohn 1st year Angie Dinkston admitted. "But seriously- it was REALLY awkward."Philosophy Department Shocked to Discover St. Olaf has Football TeamFour professors from within the Philosophy department have recently issued a written apology to the St. Olaf football team for "having been previously altogether unaware of your existence on this campus."Public Safety Hires Two New Recruits, Ratio Still Manageable for StudentsIn spite of two recent hires, expert partier survey results suggest that St. Olaf students still "grossly outnumber" campus police force and "have nothing to worry about."Week One Skits Criticized for Giving Falsely Accessible Impression of Theatre Department IIT Threatens to Shut Down Oleville.com due to Exceeding Printer QuotaSGA website Oleville.com has recieved notice from IIT that due to their excessive use of paper for Week One marketing, they may actually face penalties as severe as temporary shut-down of the site. Read more...Crisis plans drawn up for Virginia Tech-type situations, Zombie invasions, and potential Avian Flu pandemicFred Behr announces that the amount of funds and energy that went into drafting an emergency plan for any potential Virginia Tech gun crises led the school's emergency board to "go ahead and draft a zombie invasion contingency plan while we're at it." |
The Onion
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