This week's Olevillain Headlines...
ST. OLAF ENVIRONMENTAL STUDIES PROMOTES HOLDING BREATH TO COMBAT GLOBAL WARMING
By: A Brand Spanking New Olevillain Who Has Heretofore Not Designated a Pen Name
St. Olaf’s Environmental Studies faculty, in conjunction with the student run Environmental Coalition, has released a new, innovative plan to combat global warming.
“We all know that CO2 emissions, the most abundant greenhouse gas in the atmosphere, is thought to be the leading cause of global warming”, stated Paul Hotovy, Professor Emeritus of Ecology in a press conference last Thursday. “But what people fail to realize is that the majority of the CO2 in the atmosphere does not come from the combustion of fossil fuels.”
In fact, carbon emissions due to industrialized society only amounts to a small fraction of the CO2 in the air every year. The vast majority of Carbon Dioxide is a result of respiration in plants and animals all around the globe.
“Unlike most sentient life forms, humans exhibit the ability to control their aerobic respiration to a large degree”, said Dr. Hotovy. “Therefore, it is our responsibility to lead all life in the fight to cut back on CO2 due to respiration.”
Hotovy, with the exuberant support of the St. Olaf community, unveiled his plan to cap greenhouse gases emitted by the human lung. He proposed that all humans around the globe stagger their breathing on minute intervals.
“For example, I would be able to inhale and exhale for 60 seconds, but then I would hold by breath for the next minute while the person next to me takes his or her turn. Using this method, I predict that we can reduce the aerobic anthropogenic carbon emissions by half starting right now.”
This announcement was met with thunderous applause from all attendees of the press conference. In fact, many in the crowd already began to stagger their breathing for practice.
“I think it’s just great! Finally, somebody has stepped up with the courage to do what is right. The right thing may not be the easy thing, but it is the…oh shit, my minute is up”, said sophomore Riley Jacobson.
One of the most vocal supporters was Bob Soksun, a freshman from Lakeville. “I am so happy about the restrictions in exhaling!” he said. “My roommate can only talk half as much now. I am really sick of his non-stop bullshit. Finally, I can hear myself think.”
The Environmental Protection Agency has wasted no time in endorsing the “Blue Face for a Green Future Project” as it has come to be known. However, both the American Lung Association and the Neurology associations, in addition to numerous Ole Choir members, have expressed doubts. Dr. Brown of the Mayo Clinic has issues regarding a decline in mental health due to oxygen deprivation while Stanley Vedder, a Tenor 1 in the Choir, worries about phrasing and tone in the upcoming concert.
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