This week's Olevillain Headlines...

Bell System Eliminated For Being “Too Much Like High School.” Next Week Cafeteria and Dry Policy to be Eliminated as Well

By Justeen Juice

 

As many students have noticed, St. Olaf College has officially eliminated its bell system. On the first day of their noticeable absence, several rumors began circulating throughout the student body, including the popular theory that a ring-tone of St. Olaf Choir music would soon replace the missing bells. Although the college has failed to make an official statement, professors and administrators have confirmed that the bell system was eliminated due to several complaints that they made St. Olaf seem “too much like high school.”

This complaint immediately got the college's administration's attention.

“We are SO not like High School,” one anonymous dean commented. “Like, oh my god. If people are really saying that about us, I totally want to get rid of the bells.”

According to several department chairs, the response to the policy change was immediately and fervently enthusiastic.

“We couldn't believe how wrong we had been. Everyone used to consider the bells a crucial and appropriate signal to professors and students for when classes were meant to end,” Mary Steen of the English Department said. “But man- now that the bells are gone and professors accidentally run ten minutes over and students have to run to class and apologize for being late to their next professors, who repeat the cycle, there is a distinctly less high-schooly feel to everything. I can't believe we went as long as we did without changing!”

Thanks to such overwhelmingly positive responses, the Board of Regents will explore other possible policy changes they may be able to enact that would make St. Olaf less like high school at their upcoming meeting. On the agenda to be discussed: the elimination of the cafeteria (a feature boasted by nearly all high schools), the burning of the library (another stigmatized institution that all college kids associate with high schools), and finally, the elimination of the dry policy, which also mimics most high schools' policy on drinking.

Board of Regent Natalie Stromberg says, “I don't want to spoil any surprises, but the first step in eliminating high-school-esque features from St. Olaf is going to really turn things around for the better.”