Madame Galaxy Tells All

Horoscopes for the week of January 14


Aries (3/21-4/19) –
Your reputation is under scrutiny this week and that looming weekend mistake could cost you a sizeable amount of dignity. Acts of desperation are never flattering. Make up for it this week by setting an immediate appointment at Buzz to fix that dead cat on your head you’ve been calling hair! By mid-week the cosmos reward your beauty with a new friend who might be your mailbox mate, or someone else.

Libra (9/23-10/22) –
OMG, you’re so random! You just say things like “cheese” all the time right out of the air. Spontaneous you. Someone should give you an award for being the most creative, especially on Thursday! You should definitely raise your hand and share your gift for new ideas in your interim class. All your peers will smile at you approvingly. They might even clap.

Taurus (4/20-5/20) –
Get your ass down to Tostrud at least by Wednesday. Your new energy will give you the strength to conquer all this interim and beyond! Give 100% and your New Year’s resolution will be yours for the taking. This weekend, share your energy with either a loved one, or an unsuspecting loner at an honor house party.

Scorpio (10/23-11/21) –
You have a secret. It’s a strush. A powerful stranger crush. You’ve spied them in the caf, you caught their eyes by the chapel, and you rushed to their P.O. after they retrieved their mail to try and read their name as they walked away. Now that you’ve gone through every facebook picture and rejoiced over every common interest it’s time to take a deep breath, and stop being a creepster mcinternetwhore.

Gemini (5/21-6/21) –
Mmm! You got a new scent for Christmas and you smell damn good. The stars say the time is right for you to strut your bad self around like a peacock in heat. What have you got to lose? Don’t be afraid to pout for what you want or toss a fierce glance when your friends shout, “Cheese!” Screw winter, you’re hot!

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) –
Hey archer! You should aim that arrow at someone you hate this week. You need a release for your excess anger. Think of a horrible nickname for them. Whisper it to them under your breath as you walk by. When they ask, “What’s that?” Simply shout, “WHAT?” Then run away.

Cancer (6/22-7/22) –
I’m afraid this week Cancer, someone hates you. Is it your fault? Most definitely. What can you do? A number of things really. Frankly, you’ve got a lot to work on. I could ramble on about your personality, clothing, bad breath – but I’ve got other fortunes to tell. By Friday, someone might whisper an insult at you. When you ask, “What’s that?” They might shout, “WHAT?” Then run away.

Capricorn (12/22-1/19) –
Lord-y Lord! Capricorn. You are simply amazing. I mean rarely do the stars look on an individual with such favor! If you feel ignored or depressed, forget it because come ON, you’re the absolute shit. You should start your biography by Tuesday because the world is going to want to read about how you became the leading supplier of fuck yeah every day of your mind-blowing life.

Leo (7/23-8/22) –
Clean out those cobwebs Leo, because it’s back to class for you! You may need to drink a bit of homework with your vodka this week so you don’t start out the year as a dumb lush. At least you’ll be an alcoholic who knows the answers. Also, avoid spilling your tray in the caf again, because it gets old.

Aquarius (1/20-2/18) –
What could you possibly be doing right now? Most likely, nothing important. Get out of la la land and grab the bull by the horns. You have very little time to waste and there you are with your thumb up your Aquarius ass, not making a move. It’s time for you to wake up, because you must savor every moment you can get.

Virgo (8/23-9/22) –
Virgo, you little heart breaker. You need to tone down the spice or your mild sauce is going to turn into habanero salsa. You know the effect you have on those you tease. You don’t need watermelon vodka to make you a little red riding whore. At Olaf, the pickings are slim… or rotund. So by mid-week, set your sights on something higher.

Pisces (2/19-3/20) –
By Monday, you’re definitely feeling moderate. A series of events will cause you to act in a certain way on Tuesday. By mid-week, plan on talking to people both online and in real life. On Thursday and Friday things will heat up resulting in your feeling a little bit sad or happy. This weekend, expect to not be in class or in a classroom, especially if you’re not feeling academic. This week, take this phrase as your new personal mantra – a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.