OleVillains

Slacktacular

Time, it is a-wastin'

Hello everyone!

Spring has “sprung.”* Break has “broke.” And Jesus died early this year, so we’ve got no future breaks to look forward to. This sucks. Ten days does not a break make. What’s more, I had to ditch class this morning in order to feel like I actually had some extra time to relax. It worked. Very well. Unfortunately, I can’t just continue to skip classes until I feel content. It’s the school’s job to sanction my absences by allowing everyone else a break too. Oh sure, I’m going to skip until I’m content; it’s just too bad that it had to come to that.

Perhaps I wouldn’t be so upset about having a such a short break if I didn’t have to do homework the whole time I’m “vacationing.” What’s with professors giving homework during break? It’s break! There’s a reason we have it, we’re supposed to avoid work. This was supposed to be one of the few times during the year when the school and I see eye to eye. It could be worse. Sometimes they don’t assign homework under the guise of giving you a break, but then they insist on giving you an overwhelming amount of reading to tackle shortly after you get back? Unless you work on it over break, you won't ever be caught up. Call it what it is. That’s fucking homework and you know it.

I’m sorry I’m getting so worked up about all this. I obviously didn’t have enough time to relax during this “break”** and it’s been harshing my mellow worse than a drug addict at an intervention… with wet shoes. I’ll do my best to improve my demeanor for the remainder of this post.

I’m here today to talk to you about something that I don’t normally discuss in this blog. I’ve devoted entirely too much time to slacking and not enough time to procrastination. The truth is, I just haven’t gotten around to writing something about it yet.***

There has not been one paper that I’ve been able to start prior to the night before its due date. Not one assignment that I haven’t put off until the latest possible moment. Sometimes this has been a problem for me, but usually not. When it comes to procrastination, I’m bigger than the Beatles who, in turn, were bigger than Jesus. I guess what I’m trying to say here, people, is that I am a God of sorts. At least I am in this realm, and only in this realm. This may sound arrogant, but when compared to other talents it’s quite a meager achievement****. Notice here that I’m not claiming to complete the best work, but rather I am claiming to be the best at procrastinating and still completing the work.

So, what keeps my procrastination at peak performance?

To some degree I’ve hinted that this blog keeps me from tending to less desirable duties. However, my real inspirations for doing nothing come from three separate areas… all of which are media—the only true outlet for personal expression/enjoyment.*****

There’s nothing like web comics to help pass the time while you’re sitting at the computer. They give you the illusion of productivity without actually helping you accomplish anything. Every time I get on my computer with the best of intentions I find myself frequenting no less the four different comics. I’m sure all of you do something similar with facebook or something else equally lame. You know the pattern: sit down at computer, open Firefox******, and before you do anything academic you have to “check” your email or a social networking website. With webcomics it’s just like that. Except they’re funny and infinitely more effective when avoiding work. A tip: start finding a new web comic every week. Keep tabs on the ones that don’t suck, like Garfieldminusgarfield or Toothpaste for Dinner, and eventually you’ll have a roster of things to do before you start doing things.

Next biggest tool? GAMES! Not your mama's games. I'm talking about games that instill a sense of respect for programmers, developers, and designers in all who play them--Video Games.

Once seen as the realm of the mega nerd, hardcore gaming has shifted to those individuals of a less demanding intellect and slackers of all varieties. Eventually this shift continued until frat boys and the social elite dominated it heavily. The resulting abundance of gaming systems within the dorm setting has allowed for maximum procrastination capabilities. Since video games are such a large topic I feel obligated to quit talking about them in order to prevent myself from spending too much time on this blog. Besides, I have to get back to playing “Crackdown” as soon as possible.

The other area involves movies. Watch them.*******

Gotta go kill some gangs with a rocket launcher to their faces,
-Agent Procrastinihilator (subject to change)


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*You have no idea how badly I wanted to make a reference to Sir-Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby Got Back” just now, but nay, I couldn’t think of anything clever.

**If you could call it that… You can’t.

***That was a joke. Please laugh. Please.

**** It’s all I have. Don’t take it away from me.

*****Except sex… Maybe.

******Or Explorer if you’re one of those.

*******It's amazing how quickly I loose steam. Sorry. I'll have to write more some other time, but the allure of the gaming world is much too strong.